Hello my long lost friends, I know I’ve been quiet for a really long time and recycling old posts so that you wouldn’t forget me. So let’s do a little catching up in this ever-growing crazy world we live in now. I have been home from tour for a while now, I’ve caught up on my sleep and then some, and social distancing like the rest of you (or at least I hope you are doing your part to flatten the curve). As an introvert, I am a bit of an expert on social distancing, and like all the memes out there, I was made for this, or so I thought.
I am one of the lucky ones I suppose, this virus and all the dominoes that fall from it haven’t really changed my life much. I don’t live paycheck to paycheck, so I can stock up on a few items (with the exception of toilet paper, because ya’ll are crazy out there, so I’m more aware of my bathroom habits than I really want to be). When I get home from tour, I usually spend a week on the couch drinking coffee and not doing much else, so I said to myself, “HA! Social Distancing, I’ve got this, bring it on!” But this morning, well really it was afternoon by the time I crawled out of my bed, I realized, it’s starting to take a toll on me, and maybe I’m not made for it as much as I thought I was when this all started.
I’m not a person who suffers from anxiety, but this social distancing/self-quarantine, whatever it is I’m doing, is making me a little sad, anxious, and a general feeling uneasiness. I have found myself crying more than I have in years, taking fewer showers than I usually do, and developing an unhealthy relationship with my fridge. I get angry when I talk to people who aren’t really social distancing because they don’t think this is a real problem, and after I get angry at them, I get sad all over again. If people don’t try to slow this virus down, then I have to stay on my couch longer, and that makes me sad and angry all over again.
As I sat on my balcony drinking my coffee, I could hear the birds chirping away, and it felt like an early Sunday morning downtown, where the roads are quiet, not a lot of construction or people around. But then I realize it’s noon on a Thursday and downtown should be loud and busy, but it’s not, and that adds to my anxiety. Everything seems to be upside down and uncertain, and it makes me scared. I hate going to the grocery store anymore, I hate standing in line with the person behind me right on top of me, and I want to scream at them to back the fuck up! I now travel with hand sanitizer in my purse and car, I use my elbow to push the elevator buttons, and I hate it all!
I can’t have sushi with my kids, which is one of my “home from tour” traditions, I can’t hug them tight and kiss their forehead like I do when I see them, because how I see them now is on a computer screen and well when you kiss your computer screen it just makes it gross. I’ve done my part to help keep the economy alive by ordering more things online but freaks me out a bit when those packages arrive at my door. The thoughts run through my head like, “who touched this box last? Are they as careful as I am?” I spray the boxes down with some of that hand sanitizer and just open the box. The joy of a new purse or new pair of shoes is dulled a bit by the fact that I won’t be able to go outside to use them.
So the last couple of days I’ve been sad, sad for no real reason and all the reasons and this post has taken me four days to write. Trust me, I’m not writing this looking for your pity because I know you are all in the same space as I am. Still, I’m afraid this virus, and this social distancing has altered who I am inside, just a little bit, and it makes me sad, so I needed to get all these feelings out of my head and onto the page.
I just needed to get these words out and to let you know I’m here, hopefully starting to write more, and someday, hopefully soon, we can get coffee and a big hug. But, most of all, check on your introvert friends, like the rest of you, we are NOT ok.