I’ve noticed that I count days – 81 days since I closed the bakery; 17 days since I stopped bartending; 9 days since my last blog post and three days since I left the apartment. In the last almost three weeks, I’ve read four books. While that may sound envious, it’s not good, it’s not good at all. I’ve been hiding from myself. Why, I’m not exactly sure and am certain it will take a couch and a therapist or a chair and a fortune teller, but I suspect I’m not happy with me. I feel like I lost me again. I had a chance and to find me and was so close, but I got lazy and complacent. I cocooned myself in my apartment and buried myself in books, thereby pushing the finding of me way back in the far away places in my mind.
This morning I had to get out of the apartment and get a haircut and color, which brings me two doors away from the bakery, soon to be a chocolate shop. I was half tempted to peek in the windows to see if I was still in there, curled up in the fetal position on the bakery floor. But as I sat waiting for the color on my head to process I realized, no, me is not there on the floor, Me is right here. I’m here, albeit the heaviest I’ve ever been, but, I’m right here. I’m alive. I’m lucky enough to have been able to read four books in three weeks, (I may never get that time again). I’m fortunate to have friends that make me feel alive and loved, by just walking into their shop, sitting in their chair and having the human conversation and touch.
Do we ever get to the point in our lives where we quit looking for me? Or is that the point of living, always looking, changing, adapting. I’m going with the latter, if we aren’t always looking, changing, adapting, we die inside, a little at a time.
Aside from loving cemeteries, if you know me well, you know I need my solace. I haven’t had much of it lately, and I found it effects me, it makes me feel lost and unsure. Unsure of me and the world around me. December 3rd I will hop in my car and drive to Dallas. All alone and I have never been so excited, ten hours of pure solace, and it will be good. It will be necessary. It will be welcomed.