Holidays are Hard.

As I sat in my hotel bed in St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada, I looked out the window and thought about the last six days I spent in Nashville.  It was a rough start with a show being canceled in Sydney, Nova Scotia because of weather, which resulted in flights being canceled, and ultimately resulted in a 40-hour tour bus ride, through three snowstorms, to Nashville.  We left at 12:30 am on Wednesday night and drove 1,879 miles to arrive in Nashville around 8 pm on Friday. I had a day and a half to recuperate before my mom and dad, my sister and her family, and my brother and his family arrived in Nashville on Sunday for Thanksgiving.  I was tired, but I was so excited to see them, I figured it would all be fine.

Unfortunately, I underestimated the amount of tired I would be from being out of the country for over two months. In case you haven’t been following along, I left Nashville on September 14th to go to Austrailia for the PJ Masks tour.  I flew directly from Austrailia on October 15th to Calgary to work on The Thank You Canada Tour.  So I have been away from home for 62 days when I landed in Nashville for Thanksgiving. I also underestimated how being out of the country for 62 days would exhaust me.

But it was Thanksgiving and I was going to see my chickens and part, a very small part (total of 17) of my immediate family (when we are all together there are 26 of us, yes that’s just parents and siblings and their children.  It’s too many.) But, nonetheless, I was excited and that overpowered the tiredness I felt in my soul and body. I was excited because my parents were staying at my apartment, an apartment they haven’t seen yet and I was excited for them to see.  I wasn’t even bothered by the fact that my husband and I were sleeping on the pull-out couch so my parents could have my bedroom.

And then it happened. Like someone flipped a light switch and my body screamed “THAT’S ENOUGH, I CAN NOT DO ANYMORE” and I broke down. I was tired, I had no patience for my 15-month-old nephew who, what seemed to me, was crying for no reason. I had no patience for my mom when she asked me to make her coffee.  I had no patience for my husband who seemed oblivious to the number of people in our apartment and just continued to work like it was any other Wednesday afternoon. I was the worst.  I didn’t even have any patience for myself.

I had to leave for my flight on Thanksgiving morning at 4:45 am so Wednesday night, I went to bed at 7:30 pm.  I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I didn’t even tell my husband that I loved him before I fell asleep, I just took half a Xanax and went to bed. I was still grumpy when I woke up Thanksgiving morning at 4:00 am (honestly, who wouldn’t be), but I got in the Uber and went back to work. When I landed in St. John’s, Newfoundland, I turned on my phone and a text came through with a picture of my whole family still in Nashville at Thanksgiving dinner, without me, and the text said “We wished you were with us” and I cried.

I’m sure my family knew I was being a bitch the entire time I was home, but they never said anything, well at least not to my face. They still loved me even though I wasn’t lovable those few days. I had felt like I gave every ounce of me and no one was giving me anything back and I was grumpy, but they seemed oblivious to all that and were just having a good time.

I did learn a few things this Thanksgiving holiday, however.  I learned that no matter what, I love my family.  But the most important thing I learned was I need time to recuperate from touring and being out of the country for over 60 days. I also learned that recuperating means not having anyone around, whether I love them or not, I need four solid days to myself with nothing but my bed, some coffee, and my cozy pajamas.

So as I sit in the hotel room, getting ready for the last two shows of The Thank You Canada Tour, in my pajamas, after coffee, I am starting to feel slightly more human. I am thankful for a job that lets me see so many amazing places and meet so many new and amazing people, some of which have become new friends. Most of all I am thankful for a family and a husband who loves me when I am my least lovable self.

Happy Thanksgiving, a day late.

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