What’s Next?

What’s Next?

 

I was sitting at my desk, and if you are a regular reader, you know what I was staring at, that fucking blinking cursor, mocking me with every flash. So I distracted myself from that blank page and flashing cursor, which I was sure it was blinking out in morse code, you are a failure, you’re not a writer, and picked up my phone and tapped the Instagram icon. I started watching stories of people I follow and came across a story from @thelivdlife, (that’s her, right there in that picture, and you all should follow her here). Usually, I enjoy everything she posts, but today, TODAY, was different. It’s not that she’s not right, but she decided it was going to be #choosedaytuesday. She posed the question, What’s one thing you are going to do today to better your life? Simple right? She sure did make it seem simple, drink more water, read a book, or go for a walk, just pick one thing to make your life better. I usually always find her posts to be inspirational, but today, she had me wanting to throw my phone right off my balcony.

You see, I have been struggling for days, no, for weeks, maybe even years, with what is next. What is my purpose? What am I suppose to do? @thelivdlife was telling me to take a step towards my dream; one simple step was all I needed to do today. However, my question to her is “What if I’m out of dreams?” I know that makes it sound like I’m slightly dead inside, but I’ve realized at 52 I have achieved all my dreams. I know, I can hear all of you, screaming at me through the computer, “oh, you poor poor thing” or “oh what a tough life you must have” or even “well go out there and do some good” all dripping with so much sarcasm and you’re not really wrong. But here is all the things that ARE wrong with those comments and what I’m sure people can’t understand, what happens when you have or have had everything you wanted.  Now what?  Add to that I’m an inherently lazy person — the laziest.  No really – yesterday I sat in my bed and binged watched the entire season of The OA. Eight episodes which are a total of eight hours. I got up to pee and to fill up my water bottle.  THAT’S IT! I did not do one single thing other than that the whole day.  Some people will say, well it’s good to do nothing for a whole day now and then, while I do agree with that statement, that is my norm as opposed to my “now and then” situation.

So all that to say, I’m stuck. But I wasn’t always like this; I had dreams. I had hard times. I thought back through the last 30 years or so and took inventory. Some of those years were filled with dreams coming true, I put myself through Paralegal school, created Cookies by Gina, bought my own house as a single mom, found love a couple of times, opened my bakery, wrote a book. I’ve traveled from one end of the US to the other, from one end of Canada to the other, from one end of Australia to the other and then Cuba. There were also some of those years that had a sprinkling of failure and even some years where things were crashing down all around me. Some of those years were filled with me wondering how I was going to go on. I had years where I wasn’t sure how we were going to pay the next college payment for my chickens or how I was going to afford to put gas in my car, but for the most part, the last 30 years were dream fulfilling and now I’m left with that awful question, “What’s Next, Gina?”

As I took a minute to read the last 650 words, I wanted to vomit and scream at myself to stop being so spoiled and enjoy how lucky you are. But that ever nagging question that makes me think, there HAS to be more, I must be meant for something other than this, but I don’t know how to go and find it, so I’m up for suggestions.

I have to confess that with all the things about my life I’ve shared with you, this one post is the scariest for me to put out there. More terrifying than all the posts I have written about the adultery, the abortion, the eating disorder, the questioning God, my me too moment. This post, took a lot for me to hit the Publish button because it sounds so spoiled, so first world problems, and I’m embarrassed by it all AND, quite possibly, this will bring all the trolls to my blog that I don’t usually bother me.

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6 thoughts on “What’s Next?”

  • 1
    Kimberly Loveridge on March 29, 2019 Reply

    ….And THIS is why I love you. You are raw, honest and introspective. I see you….and I honor that in you that I see in me. You have grown into your own, embrace it. Stand tall and expect the best. You are woman warrior mom wife friend
    Carry your strength, your scars, your fears and your faith proudly. You are my people x

  • 2
    Pam on March 29, 2019 Reply

    Thank you for being so honest. So many of us are riding this same train. Just know you are not alone.

  • 3
    Hermes Mendez on March 29, 2019 Reply

    This one really spoke to me. Even though I am MUCH older than you, to some degree I am still trying to resolve it. Life just happens. I have had a good life and have done most of what I wanted to do. It wasn’t till I retired that I have really come to a place where things are peaceful. But then I had the same thoughts as you and discovered that there were two things that really bothered me:
    1. What have I done for others, that is, strangers to help them in their lives?
    2. What have I done about my relationship with God and His commission in Matthew to tell the world about Him?
    To some degree, these are connected. I feel that my relationship to Him is stronger, now that the demands of work are not longer there and I find I have quality time to spend with Him. I have some thoughts that I am working on to follow His commission. I still haven’t done anything about the first one. I still need to do this but haven’t figured it out yet.
    It looks like you have come to this point earlier in your life. This is good!! Thanks for this blog. It also made me stop and think of what was on my mind and I appreciate it. As always, all my love. Keep them coming!!

    • 4
      heartwritten on March 29, 2019 Reply

      This is interesting because I struggle more with your second point then I do with the first. Perhaps the fact that I’m thinking about your second point is good, I suppose. (I’m sure my mother would agree 😊). Love you!

  • 5
    Russ on March 29, 2019 Reply

    You’re not alone.

    • 6
      Eunice on April 1, 2019 Reply

      I found the book, “Man’s Search For Meaning,” by Viktor E. Frankl very helpful. He is a Holocaust survivor and has some really interesting theories on the importance of purpose being more important than happiness.

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