This year has been really weird, to say the very least. In January, I was wrapping up tour number two and getting ready for tour number three. Three tours back to back, six months on the road, and I was ready to be home; I didn’t think I realized it was going to be like it actually turned out. I can remember being in the Production office in somewhere town USA and my Production manager telling me how many cases they found in Washington State of this weird virus. I wouldn’t really pay attention because I was tired, and I was sure it wouldn’t turn into anything. Boy, was I wrong!
I’m usually a person who loves fresh starts; for instance, I will always start a new diet on Mondays, and I love New Years Day for that very reason, and I don’t know about you, but I am ready for a fresh start. That being said, I am, however, not someone who will make resolutions. As much as I love a fresh start, I’ve always have had trouble following through, and that would lead me down a rabbit hole that involved a lot of self-sabotaging and self-loathing. In the last few years, I have learned how to be kinder to myself, and I have been happier for it. So here I sit, on my couch, in my apartment in Nashville, where I’m sure there is a permanent indentation from my bottom, and like I always do at the end of a year, taking stock of the last year.
It has been a wild year, and I find it hard to remember life before covid. I was watching the news a few days ago, and they were doing a break down of all the things that happened this year, and I found it hard to believe. When a day feels like a year and a year feels like a lifetime and your world has come to a crashing stop, you tend to forget things, well, at least I do. I blame it on social media and my ability to sit there, on my couch, and mindlessly flip through Instagram and Facebook or the stupid game Merge Dragons, where I have spent too many hours and dollars. Then one day, as I was mindlessly going through Instagram, I came across a post that said, “No one is YOU, and that’s your power”. That post was by my cousin, who teaches classes at cycle bar (I always feel like the biggest slug when I see her posts, but that’s a whole other blog post). But, she had a meme on her Instagram story with that phrase and it hit me right down to the core. I took a screenshot of it, and I made it my wallpaper for my phone. It was what I needed to feel better about my life, my loss of a job, my being in my apartment for days, for weeks and months at a time.
During this pandemic, I’ve been trying to figure out what was next for me. As much as I miss touring, I’m not sure I’m brave enough yet to get on a bus and travel around the US right now. I’m not confident enough in the efficacy of the vaccine, and to be honest, I’m so far down on the list, I probably won’t even be eligible to receive it until the summer of 2021. Whenever I question my purpose or what’s next, which is often and always, I tend to attach my worth to my job. But if 2020 has taught me anything, my worth is not attached to a job or an employer. I did a lot of soul searching during this downtime, and I found that I don’t miss much, except for hugging friends and family. I got an exercise bike and peddled my boredom away, sometimes hours at a time. I’ve lost 25 pounds, and I’ve grown my hair past my shoulders. Little does my cousin know that her little Instagram story post got me motivated, and I am happy in my skin and my life. Don’t get me wrong, I miss hugging my kids more than anything, but I’m happy. I’m starting to see the light at the end of this weird tunnel that was 2020, and I feel like it’s gonna be ok, maybe different, but ok.
So for 2021, I’m setting a goal, not a resolution, but a goal. I plan on riding 2021 miles on my bike, and hopefully, some of them will be outdoors. This year was rough, weird, and exhausting for all of us. So for 2021, I hope our next trip around the sun will be less stressful, and there will be more laughter. I’m hoping there is less time alone and there are more hugs. I’m hoping there is less worry and there are more carefree moments! Fingers crossed!
Happy early New Year!